Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Men you are strange beasts!

This is my friends story and will really only appeal to women who are
married to men who are driving them crazy right now.

She looked tired so I asked her
'What you been up to?'
'Yeah the whole sitting room. And I had to do some of it 2 and 3 times to
get the colour right.'
Couldn't figure that one out so I asked 'Were there stains on the walls or
She looked at me then 'didn't I tell you?'
'Tell me what?' I leaned in closer expecting something juicy or gossipy or
'Well remember a couple of weeks ago there was a Rugby match'
I nodded and said 'ah haw'.
'and Derek (not her husbands real name) asked a couple of his mates and
his brothers up to our house to watch it.'
I nodded and said 'ah hum'.
'And I told you he had borrowed a projector from work for the special
' when she said special occasion she rolled her eyes like one of
those dolls we had growing up. The ones that were meant to be sweet but
could also be freaky and scary.
Again I nodded encouraging her to continue.
'Well he wasn't happy with the picture clarity on the wall so he painted a
big white rectangle on the wall'
'Oh Yeah he went out to the garage and got himself a brush and a big tin of
Jasmine White and drew himself a patch slap bang on the middle of the wall'
I was speechless.
'Was it ...neat?'
'Oh no totally fuzzy around the edges'
'Did he help with the painting, fix up the damage, make amends?' I asked
'Oh no. He's actually being very clever. He's stayed away every night
this week until I got the job done. I probably would have stabbed him with
the paintbrush so it's just as well.'
'Could I just ask one thing? What colour was your sitting room painted in?'
'Pale Cream'

Men you are strange beasts to us girls.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

final mention of 50

I am not going to jump on to the band wagon (s) critising this book series.
I will admit however to being 50 shades of green over her achievement with (if we are to believe the blogs abounding on this) poor writing, plot and characters.
I am thinking so much is wrong here and yet she is a big sucess.


And then it hit me.

Sounds simple doesn't it?
So I am off to my WIP and get cracking. I am going to ignore editing until I have the story on paper. Then I will worry about polishing it into something people might want to read and even (thunderclap) pay money for.

Check out Ellen Degeneres reading from the novel 50 shades of Grey on this link


Monday, July 16, 2012

Who can you trust?

Flash fiction piece from Chuck Wendig.
The first sentence is from a random sentence generator - you have 1000 words - genre is up to you.

The noticed android walked past the wondering chamber.
Jed held his breath. You couldn’t tell the latest androids from the human population but this one was after some sort of mishap because his left leg was wobbling a bit and every time he took a step a little eek could be heard.
Jed was fascinated he nudged Chuck sitting across from him.

‘Uh’ Chuck was eating a barbequed steak burger in a large sesame seed bap he had at least half of it in his mouth and couldn’t hardly chew it. Complicated sentences were out of the question. Jed jerked his head in the direction of the android. Chuck stared his mouth fell open and half a partially chewed burger threatened to fall out. Jed kicked him under the table and his mouth snapped shut. ‘finish eating quick’ Jed snapped ‘we are going to make a few bucks ok?’ Chuck nodded swallowing coke and burger furiously. He wiped his hand across his mouth spreading grease and barbeque sauce across his cheek. ‘Right’ he looked at Jed ‘what now?’

‘I am going to instruct him to walk in to the wondering chamber and you will get up and follow us in there'

‘They have cameras and shit inside there in case anyone tries anything stupid.’
‘I know that! But out here someone else could spot him. I don’t want any government officials noticing him and carting him off to the mechanics. It’s the nearest place to get him alone.’

Jed stood dropping a balled up napkin on the table. ‘clean your face. You’ll draw attention covered in ketchup’ he sauntered slowly over to where the android was standing pretending to be adsorbed in the digitally created landscape outside. A forest of green leaved trees with a babbling brook gave way to a large open meadow covered in wild flowers.

‘Excuse me buddy’ Jed leaned close to the android ‘I want you to go in to the wondering chamber’.
The android took a quick photo of Jed, showing his clothing (lumber shirt, jeans and work boots) and a clear trace of his iris. He turned and walked to the wondering chamber and waited inside for more instructions.
Jed was behind him and Chuck followed in seconds.
‘What now?‘ Chuck asked checking nervously behind him every two seconds.
‘Hey Buddy’ Jed addressed the android ‘destroy all records from when you entered this burger joint’
‘I cannot do that, its against regulations’ his voice had a tinny quality but was very close to human.
Jed was nervous and Chuck’s agitated fidgeting was getting on his nerves.
‘I do not wish to be photographed. You photographed me with out my permission. I request all photographs be destroyed immediately.’ Jed waited sweat glowing from his skin in the unnatural yellow lights used in the wondering chamber.
‘I have done as you requested’
Chuck made the same statement and again the robot agreed.
Jed then reached inside the androids collar and flicked a switch.
‘Come on Chuck lets get out of here. This piece of robot is going to pay off most of my mortgage and yours too.’

Chuck didn’t answer. He’d never told Jed that he’d lost seventeen years of his life going into the wondering chambers in this city. He’d never told him about the years it had taken him to overcome his addiction. He snorted at that. Addiction. It was only addiction if you couldn’t pay for it.
But with this robot he could pay off his debts and live!
‘Sorry Jed’ was all he said then he swung his tool bag high and hit his friend killing him instantly.
He lifted the android on to his shoulders and left by the escape hatch behind the burger joint they’d spent the morning wiring cameras to.

‘People do insane things in the wondering chambers’

Monday, July 9, 2012

Chuck Wendig Challenge rewrite a fairy tale in a modern setting.

Puss in Boots in a modern setting.

From the obituaries in Cork Today!

Today, peacefully at his residence in the exclusive suburb of Montenotte in
Cork City, Robert Maxwell of Maxwell Mills passed away. Surrounded by his
family, sons Michael, Robert and Toby and extended family.

Maxwell Mills ltd has been passed on to his eldest son, Robert Junior seven
years ago, Michael Maxwell the second son has emigrated to the United
States where he set up a franchise buying top quality wheat for the mills
in Ireland.

The youngest son Toby remained as a care-giver to his elderly father for
the last six years. He was unnamed in the will.

Toby looked up at the cracked paintwork on the ceiling. An old leak had
stained the plaster work and mould grew along its fault-line.

It was cold and draughty in the studio but he had no where else to go. The
minute they had buried his father his brothers had thrown him out of the
family home. A 'useless waste of space' was what Robert had said as he
slammed the door behind him. Toby didn't even have the bus fare to get into
town so he'd stumbled down the hill and managed to find the door to this
shabby building not quite closed and not quite open.

There was somebody humming nearby, Toby glanced around and found a pair of
startling green eyes watching him from behind a huge easel. Her movements
were feline, graceful as she quickly ran charcoal across the page.

'Good morning sleepyhead' she smiled 'did you have a good rest in my bed?'

Toby slid his legs off the bed and managed to get his body sitting upright.

'What are you doing?' he asked the girl. She was dressed head to toe in
black and she wore a knitted black beanie cap. He really didn't think it
was that cold this morning. A pair of black gloves rested on one knee just
visible under her easel. She was very slim but her body gave off waves of
energy. He'd never met someone like her before.

'I am capturing your sleeping form' she said 'course you've gone and moved
now and spoiled it all' She took a rag which was casually draped across the
top of the easel and wiped the charcoal smudges from her hands. Replacing
the rag to its home she tucked her gloves into her waistband and stood,
stretching and yawning as she did so.

'Time for breakfast. You hungry?' Toby nodded. Casually she looked him up
and down her gaze sultry. 'Toby, you and I have something in common. We've
both been cheated by Robert Maxwell'. And she turned and walked through the
doorway behind her.

She stood at the kitchen window watching a chaffinch hopping about on the
branches of a huge sycamore. She was spooning sardines straight from the
can into her mouth without a glance. The smell of fish in the small
kitchen was over powering. Toby felt nauseated.
'Would you like some coffee and some soda bread?' he noticed the soda bread on the table 'hey you got Brennans best, it's the brand I always got for my father'
She looked at Toby then her brow furrowed. 'I picked it up last night along with these' and she upended a knapsack onto the table, a wallet, a set of keys, a
mobile phone, a cheque book and some clothes, all belonging to Toby poured
onto the table. 'How did you get these he spluttered in amazement' She
shrugged her shoulders then. 'I've been watching Robert for a while now, I saw him toss you out last night. I was going to invite you here but
then' she paused 'you invited yourself in'. She tossed the empty can out
the window and poured two steaming mugs of coffee. 'You had better eat
something, keep your strength up. We've a lot to get through'

Toby wasn't sure what they had to get through. His head was still reeling
from all the events of the last 24 hours. Toby sighed. It was finally
dawning on him he had no one to depend on except himself and maybe this

'We both know what Robert did to me it seems. But I don't know what he did
to you. I'd like to know.' Those green eyes were burning into his. 'You
think maybe I'm some nut job. After your brother for his money?' she
snapped. Toby nodded, might as well be honest when you've nothing to

'I was making a living, nothing extravagant, enough to get by when I met
your brother. He commissioned me to do a family portrait, him, that frigid
bitch of a wife of his and those two brats. Anyway when he comes to pay me
he gives me a cheque, for double what I asked only its unsigned see. He
wants me to copy his old mans signature on to a blank sheet of paper. And
then he'll sign. So I don't want to do it but my rents due on my little
studio and I haven't eaten all week. So I copy it down and I get it
perfect.' Words pour out of her like hot molten lava full of spite, she says this last bit with more than a hint of pride.

'So what happens next' Toby asked. 'He used that forgery to write you out
of your fathers will and the cheque he gave me was reported stolen so when
I tried to cash it I got arrested'.

Toby's mouth fell open.

'So tonight Toby Maxwell you and I are going to pay Robert a visit and
we're both going to get what's owed us' and she clinked her coffee mug to
his with a saucy wink.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Lovemaking is radical, while marriage is conservative!

Lovemaking is radical, while marriage is conservative. -Eric Hoffer,
philosopher and author (1902-1983)

This lovely quote came to me today courtesy of the Word-a-day people.
I was signed up to this fantastic site by a good and thoughtful friend who
understands my need for words.
Especially new and wonderful words and the history of words.
And wonderful bits of wisdom and quotes from wonderful writers.
These little nuggets of joy appear in my in box while I am at work (paid
And they're great.
And they get me thinking.
Especially todays quote for the day.

WE/I perceive making love as something exciting, forbidden and dark.
While marriage is conservative, dull and predictable.

Its confusing really because we can't have marriage without love and
lovemaking being a big part of it.
Who will stick with you through thick and thin and put up with all your
craziness if they don't love you?
No one.
That's who.
Conversely you must love your chosen partner a great deal to put up with
all his or her nonsense.
I know this is my excuse when my Hubster is rubbing me up the wrong way.

But what about lovemaking.
We can have sex with strangers.
There is a whole (illegal) industry built up around this.
It exists, but its not something I want to discuss here.

The treacherous territory is when you fancy someone, someone at work or
from your local sports club or your school.
Someone you've admired for a very long time from a distance.
Someone you've built up to something really special. And then you get it
Its a disaster!
That's what we're scared of isn't it.
Being below par.
Especially in the eyes of this God/Goddess we've created in the active
green goo of our imagination.
Facing up to the fear of appearing less than we want to be is truly

I must go now to my dull predictable marriage and make some radical love
with my Hubster!